"Well hello there..!! We'd like to talk with you about the KINGDOM OF GOD.." / "damn." / FIRST CONTACT

"Bravo Professor, you stumbled upon the one fact that makes sense of it all. Unfortunately humanity is not permitted to know that the Universe was designed by a committee of ducks."

"That? No that's not a U.F.O. It's on the ground now. And you've identified it. That makes it an I.G.O."

Dirk gasped in surprise. Aliens had landed in his paddock before, but never before in such numbers.

It appears to be some sort of primitive tractor beam, Captain...

The Colinisation of Space

The Colinization of Space

Large and hitherto uncatalogued lifeform on the windscreen, Jim. . .

"Hello Mr Preston? This is an ALIEN speaking. We have landed in your paddock. We have mutilated your cows. We have made loud crashing noises, and we have danced a can-can on your porch. Just what the hell is it on your TV that's so very special..?!?"

I'm so depressed.. . / Nobody loves me .. . Everybody hates me .. . / Life! What's the point..? I've never felt so low.. . / I might as well not even exist .. . / An Unidentified Flying Abject

EXFOLIATE! DEPILATE! MOISTURIZE! / Fortunately for Dave the Daleks were gay.

EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! / "I suppose we should be THANKFUL that they've found religion..?"

As the little Aardvark waved goodbye to his new friends, he wondered why they had chosen him to represent the planet Earth, and whether they were satisfied with the simple heartfelt message he had delivered to the Galactic Congress on his world's behalf: / On Earth, we eat termites. We love termites. The best way you could help us develop would be to send us many more types of termites. / Ten thousand new species of termites safely delivered. You sure this Aardvark thing is the most advanced lifeform on the planet? / Yup. It's the first animal in their dictionary. Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first. ..

"So - it seems that ancient hunter-gatherers hated the Barney creature almost as much as we modern humans detest him today. .."

"I've already told you Zark, there is nobody in this museum right now. It has no nutritional value. All you're doing is filling up on empty galleries."

A boy in a not-quite parallel Universe left a ball of string sitting around. A dog started to gnaw at it, but then knocked it through a crack in the pavement and in to our solar system, where it was the size of a planet, and made of superstring..! / Astronomers saw it approaching and excitedly held press-conferences. People laughed and joked at first, but then grew fearful, because it looked as if the ball was on a collision course with Earth! / As it turned out, the ball passed very close to Earth but missed us. It passed right between us and the Moon. People laughed again and took photos as the ball moved off into the distance of space. .. / Unfortunately, a trailing strand snagged some outcrops on the Moon, and the thread started to unravel as the ball moved further away. As the moon orbited the earth, it began to wind us up with progressively more thread! / All the string in the stratosphere meant that sunsets were quite pretty at first, but soon our light was blocked out, and then the three inner planets all got tangled up with the sun, and we all died. / Which was a real pity, because the giant dog came after the ball, and he was really worth seeing. .. / Moral: be careful where you leave your string.

Human Evolution: Possible Futures / Number 2: Smart but Unbearably Foetal

"You thought they were free, didn't you Jimmy..? Well, NOTHING in this Universe is really free, Jimmy, NOTHING. We want payment for the steak-knives. .."