"Come now, Mr Symes, I am a Master Chef. I'll admit the steaks are high. But then, so are the rewards"

"Well hello there..!! We'd like to talk with you about the KINGDOM OF GOD.." / "damn." / FIRST CONTACT

The Humpback of Notre Dame

"Okay, does anybody know why Barry's on fire today?" / "No" / "No" / "Not me" / "Nope" // Studies reveal that at the first hint of OSH paperwork, 82.3% of scientists are able to voluntarily jettison their short-term memories.

"You can bet the EPA will make a big deal out of this.."

[McGuire and Co. Professional Cattle Rustlers] / Closed for Stocktaking

You can't go to the afterlife looking like THAT! / First up, you need a shave. .. / Now let's tidy that hair up a bit. .. / And for pity sake, put on a shirt and tie..! / There! That's MUCH more presentable! / SWISSH!! // The Prim Reaper

"I'm beginning to wonder if our Terms of Reference may be just a little too broad..?"

"Long periods of inactivity are not good for a pirate like you, Cap'n. You're taking root."

"Why YES! Yes I WOULD like to talk with you about the end of the world!"

"Son, it's time we told you. There are some people in this world who don't LIKE brussels sprouts. .."

OH HELL! I THINK HE'S PLANNING TO HUG ME..!! // Consider the trees. They have no legs to run with.

"Of course, it's still a complete mystery as to how the ancients even managed to MOVE these massive stones. .."

8000 B.C. Invention of the printing process.

"Jed! Wake up! Something's spoked the horses..!"

The "Failsafe 3000" dead-certain 100-percent surefire lawyer trap.

"That? No that's not a U.F.O. It's on the ground now. And you've identified it. That makes it an I.G.O."

The guy on the line wonders if we stock the extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-large, and also whether it's harpoon-proof..?

Dirk gasped in surprise. Aliens had landed in his paddock before, but never before in such numbers.

(". ..and now if you could close the other 650 eyes and read the bottom line. ..") FLY HELL

Eustarch the Younger. The kid who brought the Trojan Horse in through the gates of Troy "just to play with for a while."

"So what if I'm a duck too..!? There's nothing in this permit that says that ducks can't hunt other ducks at this time of year..!"

Bonfire of the Vanities

We are a committee of clocks, you idiot. What do you mean you forgot to record the minutes..?

It appears to be some sort of primitive tractor beam, Captain...

The Colinisation of Space

The Colinization of Space

Sunday afternoon in the library. The awkward silence that comes from not having had a weekend murder to accuse anybody of committing.

The Sole of Discretion

As touch, taste, sight, smell and hearing boarded the charter flight for Havana, Professor Nicholson knew in his heart that he had lost more than just good friends. In fact, he had finally lost his senses.

Before we begin, I'll read out the minutes from our last meeting . . . . "BANG, KABOOM, BOOM, BANG BANG, RATTLE OF SMALL ARMS FIRE, RICOCHET, BANG, THOOOM, BOOM, MUFFLED WHOOMPH, THRUMM, BANG . . . ."

Large and hitherto uncatalogued lifeform on the windscreen, Jim. . .

"Hello Mr Preston? This is an ALIEN speaking. We have landed in your paddock. We have mutilated your cows. We have made loud crashing noises, and we have danced a can-can on your porch. Just what the hell is it on your TV that's so very special..?!?"

Starving philosophy student grappling with the question of the Toast in the Machine.

"Always been a bit of a barbecue rebel, haven't you Gavin..?"

It's so UNFAIR..!! Why do people always take out the GOOD books..?!?

LATE 17th CENTURY - Oil on Canvas - $50,000 / EARLY 21st CENTURY - Oil in Barrel - $500,000

NEIL / ERIC / KEVIN / GARY / The Four Hearsemen with the Alpaca Lips

Yes I know I LOOK ugly, but I'm really a PRINCE! Kiss me and we'll live happily ever after..! / HEAR YE! HEAR YE! Local maiden dies horribly after being poisoned by skin-absorbed nerve-toxins..! Bizarre morphing amphibian-boy to hang for murder!

I'm so depressed.. . / Nobody loves me .. . Everybody hates me .. . / Life! What's the point..? I've never felt so low.. . / I might as well not even exist .. . / An Unidentified Flying Abject

BEWARE OF THE DOG (sign) / Is that really necessary..? / Have you seen our dog lately..?

"The guy at the door wants to know if we've all been saved?"

Hmmmmm, wrong bottle. I guess THIS one must have been the Elixir of DEATH. ..

"All those perfectly adequate brain-donors out there and Igor has to pick me a televangelist!"

Things You Should Know About / The little electrical device they install behind your car dashboard to make that intermittent squeaking noise. / XJ-451, a teeth-seeking nerve-agent deliberately added to your icecream. / The meter your kids use to work out how far they can push you. / An original fragment of the computer code designed to adjust your expenditure to slightly more than your income. / The mobile micro-element used to impart patchy burn-zones in your toast. / One of many public opinion polls that are used to adjust public opinion.

"Wow what a scoop!! Humpty Dumpty sleeping with a Farmyard Fowl..!! Okay now, who came first? The chicken or the egg..??"

That day at work, Jack and Eileen exchanged harsh words.

"Yes I can give you liposuction and a face-lift, Mrs Gribbs, but I must warn you that it won't change the fact that basically way down deep and underneath it all you're really a duck."

YOU HAVE JUST PISSED OFF A MAJOR WORLD SUPERPOWER.. . CONTINUE? Y/N

"Well to be honest we weren't going to revive you. However the rest of your species is extinct and we are in desperate need of someone to throw us a stick."

Yello..?

"For goodness sake man, snap out of it! We're NOT aliens from outer-space! We're PIXIES! Pixies from your GARDEN!! IS THAT SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND..?!?"

Vader is seduced by the stark bride of the Norse.

A Great White Man Eating Shark

I don't know exactly what that thing is Virgil, but frankly I'm worried. .. / Thunderbirds meet their match

Amble, everyone! Amble for your lives! The great New Zealand carnivorous snail is coming!

[TODAY'S HERETICS: MR AND MRS SMITH] / What annoys me the most about all this is that I used to ENJOY church barbecues. ..

Sorry folks. .. the tractor beam's broken. We'll have to use the tractor piece of rope.

And THIS is why we fear contact with humans. ..

Chapter 3. Andrew's scheme backfires

Think carefully and then tell yourself about me. / Reverse Psychology

Nice tie! / Yeah - it really goes with your shirt. .. / Have you lost weight recently? / The drinks were expensive, but at least the nuts were complimentary.

Cheeses of Nazareth

"I'd like to open a spank account."

EXFOLIATE! DEPILATE! MOISTURIZE! / Fortunately for Dave the Daleks were gay.

EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! / "I suppose we should be THANKFUL that they've found religion..?"

AD 763. Hopeful entrants in the first 'Easter Island Idol' competition.

Muslin Fundamentalists

Despite being a flatfish, Detective Holme was highly respected by the townsfolk. Indeed, many of them would routinely avow that in matters of personal security, there was no Plaice like Holme.

Same greasy residue as the other victims.. . / Poor bastard's been seasoned to perfection.. . / Another case of Salt and Battery

Photocopiers jamming

Ask not for whom the photocopier jams. It jams for thee.

The Second World Wart

Terrierists

I can see you pumping petrol. .. / Fair enough / An elf fuel-filling prophecy

If a tree fell in the woods, and you were underneath it, would anyone hear me complaining..? / The sound of one hand clapping - it is NOT clapping for you. .. / YOU are less than a tick crawling in the sweaty underarm of Cosmic oneness. .. / Well YOU are less than a tick on the enormous clock of Cosmic timelessness. .. / Zenemies

Murmuring from the cheeses: calmly close the fridge door, quietly step sideways. / Dissent amidst the condiments: leave kitchen entirely; avoid eye-contact with pickles. / By the time the crackers open fire, it is ALWAYS too late. // BE FOOD AWARE. PROTECT YOURSLEF AGAINST SNACK-ATTACKS.

A combination of enthusiasm with lack of experience meant that Steve was always leaping to contusions.

Time flies when you're having fun

Uh oh .. . Thag's after our women again. .. What's the bet he's brought more flowers..? / However, flowers weren't getting Thag anywhere. This time he came with a concealed firearm.

Early Scottish torture techniques, No. 17: "Burning the Campbell at both ends."

Larry will be sorely missed in the fishtank, but we console ourselves that he is going to a batter place. .. / FLUSSHHHH

It's.. . not.. . possible.. . / The reason you will never catch up with your paperwork is that late at night, in a nest of shredded manila folders, your most important files have babies.

"Just before we discuss your eligibility for a refund, are you absolutely sure that you read all the fine-print..?"

"I'm sorry darling. I'm not very good company tonight. .."

[Bullet pointed] Z Z Z Z Z Z / The next step in executive efficiency - Microsoft PowerNap

Instantly look 30 years younger!! Phone today..!! / [30 YEARS YOUNGER KIT] / INSERT IN MOUTH / PLACE ON HEAD

Pie rats of the Caribbean

"I need your honest opinion - does my butt look big enough in this..?"

"You have broke my wittle heart," sobbed Penelope, evidently still unaware of her appalling grammatical faults.

Screw the Mombasa Convention! All these hours that bastard's been deliberately teasing us! / Use of a sniper-rifle was technically prohibited, but the last straw for Melvin was when he noticed that the antelope had bought along his own water bottle.

As the little Aardvark waved goodbye to his new friends, he wondered why they had chosen him to represent the planet Earth, and whether they were satisfied with the simple heartfelt message he had delivered to the Galactic Congress on his world's behalf: / On Earth, we eat termites. We love termites. The best way you could help us develop would be to send us many more types of termites. / Ten thousand new species of termites safely delivered. You sure this Aardvark thing is the most advanced lifeform on the planet? / Yup. It's the first animal in their dictionary. Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first. ..

[BOOK: JUST DO YOUR FRICKING JOB] / Hmmm . . . . This new management fad is crazy enough that it JUST MIGHT WORK . . .

WU-HOO! NO MORE LIVING IN A DAMP CAVE! / Early house hunting

[Father to son] Remember son - when life throws you a lemon, make lemonade. .. / [Fly] Where'd you get to son? / I'm by the lemon tree dad! / Kid - I learned this from the humans. "When life throws you a lemon - / SQUITCH!

All I'm saying is that we need to be a bit more careful with our money / No problem honey / Lately we've been spending more than we've been earning / [BUFF POLISH ] With you all the way baby / We need to keep an eye on the little things / [COLLAGEN] Couldn't agree more / Are you sure that you're not just paying lip service honey? / SHHH. ..

"Well maybe you wouldn't have attracted the attention of the Time Police, Joe, if you hadn't spent the last fifteen years of your life deliberately Capturing Precious Moments."

Meanwhile, at the end of the garden, the security situation had deteriorated. A breakaway group of radical pixies had started making enriched geranium.

Okay!! I'll confess!! I can't take any more of this indeterministic postmodern rationalism!! I've never felt so completely LOST..!! / When the Good Cop - Bad Cop routine no longer gets results, you know who to call. Postmodern Crap Cop.

WHY IS THE SKY BLUE? / WHERE DO MICE COME FROM? / WHO INVENTED THE CAN-OPENER? / CURIOUS YET..? / "Bad dog! Stop trying to kill the cat!"

"For such a small dog he's got an incredibly loud barque."

"I've already told you Zark, there is nobody in this museum right now. It has no nutritional value. All you're doing is filling up on empty galleries."

Can't you look even remotely disaffected?!? / Mr Smiley Face. Also hated in Afghanistan.

"Okay, I'll admit it. Your dog is VERY good at playing dead."

Security Bards

"Don't laugh, you're next. St Peter says these new units are more energy-efficient."

Sign: WET PAINT AHEAD. MINED WHERE YOU STEP / The idiots can't spell / KATHOOM!

"Well, yeah, you MIGHT be nuts. Just how long have you been hearing these voices..?"

It was a magical sugar-filled childhood on the island. Every day Timmy would grab his trusty spoon and go out hunting Meringue-Outangs.

Three moths on a stationary Pinto / Four moths on a wandering Appaloosa / Five moths on a standing Palamino / Complete absence of moths on a strolling Roan / A strolling roan gathers no moths

GOING WELL . .. / STEADY. .. / I CAN'T HOLD IT! I CAN'T HOLD IT! / AAAARRGGHHH!!! / AND A FLAWLESS RECOVERY. .. / Jenny has a mid-lithe crisis

"Call that a BIG BANG, eh God..? Why, back home in Texas. .."

Grimey the myopic spider, another unlikely parable. .. / There was once a spider named GRIMEY, who lived in a red-brick apartment complex. Grimey was a JUMPING SPIDER, and didn't have a web, but would POUNCE on his hapless victims with a "WHOOOOOSSSH" and a "SWISH" and a "PIERCE, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK. .. heh heh heh. .." / About 20% of the time. The other 80% of the time Grimey MISSED his victims entirely and went THUDDING against the wall. You see, poor Grimey was MYOPIC in all eight of his spidery eyes. What SHOULD have looked like THIS: / Looked like THIS: / Grimey often considered getting glasses, but always ended up talking himself out of it. Deep down he was worried that if he did, all the other spiders would mock and call him "SIXTEEN EYES" (spiders can be so cruel. ..) / Finally, Grimey overcame his fear and undertook a long and hazardous journey to the local optometrist. Unfortunately, the optometrist, one DR MUFFETT, had NEVER OVERCOME HER CHILDHOOD FEAR OF SPIDERS..! / However, one thing she HAD learned in the intervening years was that "IT IS BETTER TO CONFRONT YOUR FEARS THAN RUN AWAY." / MORAL: Myopic spiders should avoid the optometrist named "MUFFETT"

[Sign] THE COMING OF SANTA IS NIGH..!/ Well mock you may, little boy. .. but he KNOWS when you've been good or bad..!!

HE'S MADE A LIST, AND CHECKED IT TWICE. AND YOU'RE ON IT. / BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID. / SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN.

"Well no wonder you haven't been feeling too well lately Santa - you're 96% cholesterol."

The Wilsons always had the Spirit of Christmas, all year long.

Four hundred nautical miles north of Antarctica, and 120 feet below the chill night-time seas, a chartered Kilo Class Type 636 submarine slid cautiously through the most isolated waters on earth. With the two diesel engines shut down, and running on battery at only one-quarter revolutions, the vessel was effectively silent. / The crew were weary with tension but quietly patient. Would they be found? Time alone would tell. It can be bloody hard to avoid the relatives at Christmas.

"And where do you think you're going at this time of night..!?"

Wait a minute - that's not a MISSILE..! It's a RISSOLE..! An Intercontinental Ballistic RISSOLE..! QUICK! PREPARE SOME GRAVY..! / The start of the world's first intercontinental food fight

"We're really proud of Gavin. We think he might grow up to be a bureaucrat."

"We should be safe as long as we don't do any paperwork! They can smell paperwork!"

Nice try mister, but I'm just the Abominable Snowboy. Dad's behind you.

Anarchy / Monarchy

Come on in. .. The fire's great! / The perennial summer problem of demons in the barbecue

"Just ignore Bruno - it's all bluster with that dog."

Tips for saving the planet, #12. If you come across a baby meteorite, don't go anywhere near it. You might attract its mother.

During the quieter periods, Lance and the boys would while away the hours by flicking bungee-bands at passing aircraft.

Welcome to "Noman" / POPULATION: 1 / Noman is an island

"Let's get this straight: either you talk, or we send you to the surface in a polystyrene overcoat."

We understand from the neighbours that you've been allowing your young boy to smoke..?

Corrupt coffee-company executive enticing impressionable youth

"Okay, now that we've all become the full and unencumbered embodiments of our authentic inner-selves we'd better get down to business. .."

Well I'm no great virtuoso, but I DO like to tickle the ivories every now and then. ..

Actually, I'm a bit low on ammo today, so I'll just have a can of cola and a loaf of bread thanks. ..

Her appeal trail was successful. We have to sew her head back on. / Checks and balances in the Saudi justice system

Efficiency, personal / 1. Always have a good breakfast. 2. While making your breakfast, make your lunch as well. 3. While eating your breakfast, eat your lunch too. / This will leave your lunch break free for 'personal efficiency.'

That was quite a storm we had last night! Did you hear that rain..? / .. .I wonder how the guttering's holding up..?

The Wrath of Her Majesty the Queen / Back from the dead to deal with Harry and Meghan

It was after August but before September when Herbert left for outer space. Technically naive, he left without a spaceship. Always forgetful, he forgot about gravity.