Dirk gasped in surprise. Aliens had landed in his paddock before, but never before in such numbers.

"You'll have to forgive Sidney. The left and right hemispheres of his brain are currently engaged in a struggle for dominance."

Sunday afternoon in the library. The awkward silence that comes from not having had a weekend murder to accuse anybody of committing.

"Hello Mr Preston? This is an ALIEN speaking. We have landed in your paddock. We have mutilated your cows. We have made loud crashing noises, and we have danced a can-can on your porch. Just what the hell is it on your TV that's so very special..?!?"

"Always been a bit of a barbecue rebel, haven't you Gavin..?"

BEWARE OF THE DOG (sign) / Is that really necessary..? / Have you seen our dog lately..?

"The guy at the door wants to know if we've all been saved?"

YOU HAVE JUST PISSED OFF A MAJOR WORLD SUPERPOWER.. . CONTINUE? Y/N

"For goodness sake man, snap out of it! We're NOT aliens from outer-space! We're PIXIES! Pixies from your GARDEN!! IS THAT SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND..?!?"

"I'm having second thoughts about the health benefits of acupuncture. .."

Muslin Fundamentalists

Murmuring from the cheeses: calmly close the fridge door, quietly step sideways. / Dissent amidst the condiments: leave kitchen entirely; avoid eye-contact with pickles. / By the time the crackers open fire, it is ALWAYS too late. // BE FOOD AWARE. PROTECT YOURSLEF AGAINST SNACK-ATTACKS.

Time flies when you're having fun

"I'm sorry darling. I'm not very good company tonight. .."

Instantly look 30 years younger!! Phone today..!! / [30 YEARS YOUNGER KIT] / INSERT IN MOUTH / PLACE ON HEAD

[Father to son] Remember son - when life throws you a lemon, make lemonade. .. / [Fly] Where'd you get to son? / I'm by the lemon tree dad! / Kid - I learned this from the humans. "When life throws you a lemon - / SQUITCH!

All I'm saying is that we need to be a bit more careful with our money / No problem honey / Lately we've been spending more than we've been earning / [BUFF POLISH ] With you all the way baby / We need to keep an eye on the little things / [COLLAGEN] Couldn't agree more / Are you sure that you're not just paying lip service honey? / SHHH. ..

WHY IS THE SKY BLUE? / WHERE DO MICE COME FROM? / WHO INVENTED THE CAN-OPENER? / CURIOUS YET..? / "Bad dog! Stop trying to kill the cat!"

The black cat sat on the mat. ..In front of the fire / His perfect black surface was absorbing ALL the heat of the fire. .. / ALL the heat from the room. ..ALL the heat from the house. .. / Brrrrr!! Why's it so COLD in here..?!? / MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA. ..!!!

Come on in. .. The fire's great! / The perennial summer problem of demons in the barbecue

"Just ignore Bruno - it's all bluster with that dog."

"I wish you'd learn to put the lid on your Petri Dish, Harry! We came here today with just four kids but now it looks like we've got several million..!!"

"You thought they were free, didn't you Jimmy..? Well, NOTHING in this Universe is really free, Jimmy, NOTHING. We want payment for the steak-knives. .."

Couch, n. / Soft, squishy and voluminous organism whose unusual mode of reproduction involves locating itself near a television set and secreting a skin-absorbed retrovirus containing couch-genes. / Mammals repeatedly enticed to the 'couch' are gradually converted into new soft, squishy and voluminous organisms.

That was quite a storm we had last night! Did you hear that rain..? / .. .I wonder how the guttering's holding up..?

"I've been sent home to lay low. If anyone asks, no one in my virology lab knows anything about a rampaging army of pangolin-bat hybrids."

James and Sarah had no chance of sex with antibiotic resistant gonorrhea keeping them apart.