"You see Thag. .? Names CAN break your bones. Especially when those names are carved on ROCKS."

DON'T MOVE, or I'll fill you full of LEAD!!! / HAAA!! I happen to know that the lead in bullets is in the METALLIC form! This chemical form of lead has an intrinsically low bioavailability and toxicity!! / YES, but EARP et al (1886) have recently reported that the gunpowder-assisted acceleration of this form of lead to 1000 ft/sec substantially enhances its ability to penetrate biological membranes, effectively making it a whole lot MORE toxic!!! / I don't believe I've read that paper. .. // Environmental Scientists in the Wild West

You can't go to the afterlife looking like THAT! / First up, you need a shave. .. / Now let's tidy that hair up a bit. .. / And for pity sake, put on a shirt and tie..! / There! That's MUCH more presentable! / SWISSH!! // The Prim Reaper

"Long periods of inactivity are not good for a pirate like you, Cap'n. You're taking root."

"You'll have to forgive Sidney. The left and right hemispheres of his brain are currently engaged in a struggle for dominance."

"You're a selfish bastard, Lewis! Those stem cell lines were meant for people who've LOST an organ!"

Most scientists regarded the new streamlined peer-review process as "quite an improvement."

Scientists devise yet another way of delaying death.

Dinosaur brain surgery

Today will be a scorcher..!! So if you're heading to the beach, don't forget your sunblock..! / Damn.

It was on a short-cut through the hospital kitchens that Albert was first approached by a member of the Antibiotic Resistance.

Yes I know I LOOK ugly, but I'm really a PRINCE! Kiss me and we'll live happily ever after..! / HEAR YE! HEAR YE! Local maiden dies horribly after being poisoned by skin-absorbed nerve-toxins..! Bizarre morphing amphibian-boy to hang for murder!

Too bad Desmond never learned to recognize the early warning signs of a heart attack.

Hmmmmm, wrong bottle. I guess THIS one must have been the Elixir of DEATH. ..

"Yes I can give you liposuction and a face-lift, Mrs Gribbs, but I must warn you that it won't change the fact that basically way down deep and underneath it all you're really a duck."

"Well to be honest we weren't going to revive you. However the rest of your species is extinct and we are in desperate need of someone to throw us a stick."

"Have you seen that weedy little rat that we're using to test out the new growth hormone..?"

"This composition was produced during the artist's 'Hay-Fever' period, and is simply entitled 'The Sneeze'."

Think carefully and then tell yourself about me. / Reverse Psychology

"I'm having second thoughts about the health benefits of acupuncture. .."

Cirrhosis of the river

The Second World Wart

Murmuring from the cheeses: calmly close the fridge door, quietly step sideways. / Dissent amidst the condiments: leave kitchen entirely; avoid eye-contact with pickles. / By the time the crackers open fire, it is ALWAYS too late. // BE FOOD AWARE. PROTECT YOURSLEF AGAINST SNACK-ATTACKS.

The London School of Infectious Diseases Isolation Chamber Orchestra

An experimental burger and fries has broken from containment! It's spontaneously upsized! / God help us al. .. / 1960s USA: the obesity epidemic is accidentally unleashed

Larry will be sorely missed in the fishtank, but we console ourselves that he is going to a batter place. .. / FLUSSHHHH

Instantly look 30 years younger!! Phone today..!! / [30 YEARS YOUNGER KIT] / INSERT IN MOUTH / PLACE ON HEAD

"Okay nanobots - our primary mission is to clean out this guy's arteries. But while we're here I can't see any harm in also building him a nice pair of man-breasts. .."

RIGHT FOREARM SECURED!! / TORSO RESTRAINED! / INITIATE MAIN ATTACK!! / "In my professional opinion, your immune system is over-stimulated. .."

"Well, yeah, you MIGHT be nuts. Just how long have you been hearing these voices..?"

GOING WELL . .. / STEADY. .. / I CAN'T HOLD IT! I CAN'T HOLD IT! / AAAARRGGHHH!!! / AND A FLAWLESS RECOVERY. .. / Jenny has a mid-lithe crisis

Millions of years ago, giant marshmallows ruled the earth. Having no skeletal system, they left no fossil-record. / Diabetic sugar-eating dinosaurs were their only predator. By igniting the acetone on their breath they could toast the marshmallows to death. These were our 'dragons' of legend. / They were too successful. Marshmallows are defenseless against fire and were eaten to near-extinction. With no food-source, the dragon population also plummeted. / It is thought that no dragons survived. Yet every now and then, while some hapless supermarket employee is out back unpacking a crate of marshmallows. ..

Millions of years ago, giant marshmallows ruled the earth. Having no skeletal system, they left no fossil-record. / Diabetic sugar-eating dinosaurs were their only predator. By igniting the acetone on their breath they could toast the marshmallows to death. These were our 'dragons' of legend. / They were too successful. Marshmallows are defenseless against fire and were eaten to near-extinction. With no food-source, the dragon population also plummeted. / It is thought that no dragons survived. Yet every now and then, while some hapless supermarket employee is out back unpacking a crate of marshmallows. ..

At last! An Ethics Committee that will listen to reason!

Until Bob entered her life, Lisa never even knew the meaning of the phrase 'acute multiple drug-resistant infection by transgenic Staphylococcus aureus.' / Funny now to think back. .. Somehow all these little things change when you date a careless microbiologist. ..

"Well no wonder you haven't been feeling too well lately Santa - you're 96% cholesterol."

It's stuck again..!! / Know your mongrel: Canis osteoarthritis

Unknown to the rest of the world, members of the scientific community have been making their own babies to order for quite some time now.

You guys could use a break. Here, I'll hold the scalpel while you get some coffee. / Everyone, even the hospital surgeons, would tell you that Gary had a generous heart.

Couch, n. / Soft, squishy and voluminous organism whose unusual mode of reproduction involves locating itself near a television set and secreting a skin-absorbed retrovirus containing couch-genes. / Mammals repeatedly enticed to the 'couch' are gradually converted into new soft, squishy and voluminous organisms.

These days we worry about 'scientists playing God.' But in ancient Greece, they worried about Gods playing scientist. / They had reason to worry. Every Tuesday, the Gods would gather in their Mount Olympus laboratory and carry out scientific experiments on mortals. .. / Zeus liked to play around with genetic modifications to hair colour. Aphrodite specialized in adding pointless organs. Apollo found a way to turn at least one of these organs into a ticking time-bomb. / This is why the human race has gingas. This is why you were born with an appendix. / TICK TICK TICK TICK

"Sooo . .. when did you first realize that you might be a scientist..?"

"I've been sent home to lay low. If anyone asks, no one in my virology lab knows anything about a rampaging army of pangolin-bat hybrids."

James and Sarah had no chance of sex with antibiotic resistant gonorrhea keeping them apart.

"Yes everyone thinks sexting is safe, Miss Palmer - until they contract a computer virus. .."

"Oh great, now even gonorrhoea has Covid!"

"I said, 'BAD NEWS, I'M AFRAID - YOU'VE GOT LONG COVID..!'"

"Keep the lights off - this is the only place the ICU staff can get any sleep."

Well YOU'RE clear, but your phone's got Chlamydia / Dangers of online sex

"My goodness you have been busy! Your chlamydia has herpes, and your gonorrhoea has monkeypox. .."