"Come now, Mr Symes, I am a Master Chef. I'll admit the steaks are high. But then, so are the rewards"

Milestones in Adaptation / Two million years ago, nude male Hominins spontaneously develop a classic right-leg-forward stance in response to a major influx of college textbook artists.

"Okay, does anybody know why Barry's on fire today?" / "No" / "No" / "Not me" / "Nope" // Studies reveal that at the first hint of OSH paperwork, 82.3% of scientists are able to voluntarily jettison their short-term memories.

"You see Thag. .? Names CAN break your bones. Especially when those names are carved on ROCKS."

DON'T MOVE, or I'll fill you full of LEAD!!! / HAAA!! I happen to know that the lead in bullets is in the METALLIC form! This chemical form of lead has an intrinsically low bioavailability and toxicity!! / YES, but EARP et al (1886) have recently reported that the gunpowder-assisted acceleration of this form of lead to 1000 ft/sec substantially enhances its ability to penetrate biological membranes, effectively making it a whole lot MORE toxic!!! / I don't believe I've read that paper. .. // Environmental Scientists in the Wild West

Add the puppies. / Throw in the intern. // After years of experimentation, scientists remain dubious about whether there really is such a thing as the Cute Particle.

"I'm beginning to wonder if our Terms of Reference may be just a little too broad..?"

No specific caption. Does feature one FOOM!

No specific caption. Does feature a GLUB BLUB GLUB, followed four panels later by a GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB

"Why YES! Yes I WOULD like to talk with you about the end of the world!"

The "Failsafe 3000" dead-certain 100-percent surefire lawyer trap.

Biggins watched incredulously as Santa's sleigh, port stabilizer torn away, flipped gracefully over and entered a terminal dive to destruction. / Oh just great, thought Biggins, the night before Christmas and there goes my last chance at getting research funding.

"You'll have to forgive Sidney. The left and right hemispheres of his brain are currently engaged in a struggle for dominance."

Sunday afternoon in the library. The awkward silence that comes from not having had a weekend murder to accuse anybody of committing.

As touch, taste, sight, smell and hearing boarded the charter flight for Havana, Professor Nicholson knew in his heart that he had lost more than just good friends. In fact, he had finally lost his senses.

"Always been a bit of a barbecue rebel, haven't you Gavin..?"

Yes I know I LOOK ugly, but I'm really a PRINCE! Kiss me and we'll live happily ever after..! / HEAR YE! HEAR YE! Local maiden dies horribly after being poisoned by skin-absorbed nerve-toxins..! Bizarre morphing amphibian-boy to hang for murder!

I'm so depressed.. . / Nobody loves me .. . Everybody hates me .. . / Life! What's the point..? I've never felt so low.. . / I might as well not even exist .. . / An Unidentified Flying Abject

Don't look at ME like that..! It's not MY fault..!

"All those perfectly adequate brain-donors out there and Igor has to pick me a televangelist!"

Things You Should Know About / The little electrical device they install behind your car dashboard to make that intermittent squeaking noise. / XJ-451, a teeth-seeking nerve-agent deliberately added to your icecream. / The meter your kids use to work out how far they can push you. / An original fragment of the computer code designed to adjust your expenditure to slightly more than your income. / The mobile micro-element used to impart patchy burn-zones in your toast. / One of many public opinion polls that are used to adjust public opinion.

"Yes I can give you liposuction and a face-lift, Mrs Gribbs, but I must warn you that it won't change the fact that basically way down deep and underneath it all you're really a duck."

YOU HAVE JUST PISSED OFF A MAJOR WORLD SUPERPOWER.. . CONTINUE? Y/N

Yello..?

"For goodness sake man, snap out of it! We're NOT aliens from outer-space! We're PIXIES! Pixies from your GARDEN!! IS THAT SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND..?!?"

[TODAY'S HERETICS: MR AND MRS SMITH] / What annoys me the most about all this is that I used to ENJOY church barbecues. ..

Chapter 3. Andrew's scheme backfires

Think carefully and then tell yourself about me. / Reverse Psychology

Muslin Fundamentalists

Forget the experts: domestication of the dog only took about 8 seconds.

Larry will be sorely missed in the fishtank, but we console ourselves that he is going to a batter place. .. / FLUSSHHHH

"I'm sorry darling. I'm not very good company tonight. .."

Instantly look 30 years younger!! Phone today..!! / [30 YEARS YOUNGER KIT] / INSERT IN MOUTH / PLACE ON HEAD

Screw the Mombasa Convention! All these hours that bastard's been deliberately teasing us! / Use of a sniper-rifle was technically prohibited, but the last straw for Melvin was when he noticed that the antelope had bought along his own water bottle.

[BOOK: JUST DO YOUR FRICKING JOB] / Hmmm . . . . This new management fad is crazy enough that it JUST MIGHT WORK . . .

[Father to son] Remember son - when life throws you a lemon, make lemonade. .. / [Fly] Where'd you get to son? / I'm by the lemon tree dad! / Kid - I learned this from the humans. "When life throws you a lemon - / SQUITCH!

Okay!! I'll confess!! I can't take any more of this indeterministic postmodern rationalism!! I've never felt so completely LOST..!! / When the Good Cop - Bad Cop routine no longer gets results, you know who to call. Postmodern Crap Cop.

"Such a pity you couldn't find your way through the maze to deactivate my doomsday rocket, Mr Bond. Perhaps now you'll admit that you're not as clever as a well-trained lab rat."

65 MILLION YEARS AGO: Relax everyone, it's just an asteroid. Asteroids are natural. / 79 AD: Don't worry Pompeii, it's only a volcano! Volcanoes are perfectly natural..! / APRIL 14, 1912: Good news everybody - seems we hit an iceberg! We're sure lucky that icebergs are natural..! / TODAY: Droughts, floods, wild weather, rising sea levels, the whole climate change thing .. . all natural. / Experts through the ages

WHY IS THE SKY BLUE? / WHERE DO MICE COME FROM? / WHO INVENTED THE CAN-OPENER? / CURIOUS YET..? / "Bad dog! Stop trying to kill the cat!"

Can't you look even remotely disaffected?!? / Mr Smiley Face. Also hated in Afghanistan.

"Decoy ducks on the lake, scapegoats in the paddock, and red-herrings on the fishing line. If this is a cover-up, it's big.. ."

Sign: WET PAINT AHEAD. MINED WHERE YOU STEP / The idiots can't spell / KATHOOM!

"Well, yeah, you MIGHT be nuts. Just how long have you been hearing these voices..?"

GOING WELL . .. / STEADY. .. / I CAN'T HOLD IT! I CAN'T HOLD IT! / AAAARRGGHHH!!! / AND A FLAWLESS RECOVERY. .. / Jenny has a mid-lithe crisis

Where am I..? Or what is my momentum..? Or where am I..? / Oh hell! Why worry about all that again? I'm not even sure if I'm a wave or a particle! / Photon self-identity issues

At last! An Ethics Committee that will listen to reason!

Dear sir, Could we please have a grant of $5 million from your corporation to allow us to research possible antidotes to a novel new colorless, skin-absorbed and slow acting nerve toxin? / P.S. It is possible that some of this toxin may have been inadvertently spilled on the envelope.

Grimey the myopic spider, another unlikely parable. .. / There was once a spider named GRIMEY, who lived in a red-brick apartment complex. Grimey was a JUMPING SPIDER, and didn't have a web, but would POUNCE on his hapless victims with a "WHOOOOOSSSH" and a "SWISH" and a "PIERCE, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK. .. heh heh heh. .." / About 20% of the time. The other 80% of the time Grimey MISSED his victims entirely and went THUDDING against the wall. You see, poor Grimey was MYOPIC in all eight of his spidery eyes. What SHOULD have looked like THIS: / Looked like THIS: / Grimey often considered getting glasses, but always ended up talking himself out of it. Deep down he was worried that if he did, all the other spiders would mock and call him "SIXTEEN EYES" (spiders can be so cruel. ..) / Finally, Grimey overcame his fear and undertook a long and hazardous journey to the local optometrist. Unfortunately, the optometrist, one DR MUFFETT, had NEVER OVERCOME HER CHILDHOOD FEAR OF SPIDERS..! / However, one thing she HAD learned in the intervening years was that "IT IS BETTER TO CONFRONT YOUR FEARS THAN RUN AWAY." / MORAL: Myopic spiders should avoid the optometrist named "MUFFETT"

Four hundred nautical miles north of Antarctica, and 120 feet below the chill night-time seas, a chartered Kilo Class Type 636 submarine slid cautiously through the most isolated waters on earth. With the two diesel engines shut down, and running on battery at only one-quarter revolutions, the vessel was effectively silent. / The crew were weary with tension but quietly patient. Would they be found? Time alone would tell. It can be bloody hard to avoid the relatives at Christmas.

Human Evolution: Possible Futures / Number 1: Happy Fat People

Human Evolution: Possible Futures / Number 2: Smart but Unbearably Foetal

"Okay, now that we've all become the full and unencumbered embodiments of our authentic inner-selves we'd better get down to business. .."

Genes coding for that part of the brain responsible for generating novel new ideas / Genes coding for that part of the brain responsible for mental block / A slowly expanding region of genetic code that is ultimately responsible for the blush response / Genes which support the behavioral response "Yes, maybe I should." / "On second thoughts, maybe I shouldn't" genes / A tiny group of genes which govern the production of really smart retorts for use in arguments that finished some time ago / Specialized regions in a couple of human chromosomes

"You thought they were free, didn't you Jimmy..? Well, NOTHING in this Universe is really free, Jimmy, NOTHING. We want payment for the steak-knives. .."

Efficiency, personal / 1. Always have a good breakfast. 2. While making your breakfast, make your lunch as well. 3. While eating your breakfast, eat your lunch too. / This will leave your lunch break free for 'personal efficiency.'

"Sooo . .. when did you first realize that you might be a scientist..?"

It was after August but before September when Herbert left for outer space. Technically naive, he left without a spaceship. Always forgetful, he forgot about gravity.