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"Well hello there..!! We'd like to talk with you about the KINGDOM OF GOD.." / "damn." / FIRST CONTACT

"Sure been a heap more work for ME around here since those Biologists got granted research time on the ol' Supercollider.."

Add the puppies. / Throw in the intern. // After years of experimentation, scientists remain dubious about whether there really is such a thing as the Cute Particle.

"Of course, it's still a complete mystery as to how the ancients even managed to MOVE these massive stones. .."

"Bravo Professor, you stumbled upon the one fact that makes sense of it all. Unfortunately humanity is not permitted to know that the Universe was designed by a committee of ducks."

If all children are natural-born scientists, society might be wise to at least quarantine the subset of these scientist-infants who are the atomic weapons specialists, before they kill us all with their crazy little lunchbox nukes.

The only reason that 'children are our future' is that we don't send enough adults on round trips through deep-space at relativistic speeds. / (Hi kids - we're back!!) / Once we start doing that, children will become a lot less complacent, because there's a good chance that by the time we get back they'll be old enough to be our grandparents.

"Okay - is there anybody ELSE whose homework ate their dog?"

Dirk gasped in surprise. Aliens had landed in his paddock before, but never before in such numbers.

[Carbon Dioxide Emission Control Authority] / ['SUPER-STICK' MASKING TAPE]

Dreams of times past: a school of heavily-moustached gentlemen strain for krill in the warm coastal waters of the Bahamas.

Yes I agree that we've reached the magnetic North Pole. What I'm unsure about is whether anyone has previously noticed this bloody great solenoid..!?

"You're a selfish bastard, Lewis! Those stem cell lines were meant for people who've LOST an organ!"

It appears to be some sort of primitive tractor beam, Captain...

The Colinisation of Space

The Colinization of Space

"Just ignore that one. It's totally unscientific."

Large and hitherto uncatalogued lifeform on the windscreen, Jim. . .

"Hello Mr Preston? This is an ALIEN speaking. We have landed in your paddock. We have mutilated your cows. We have made loud crashing noises, and we have danced a can-can on your porch. Just what the hell is it on your TV that's so very special..?!?"

At a resolution of 10-24 metres, isolated clumps of strange matter pop briefly out of the quantum foam to debate the possible existence of particle physicists.

"All those perfectly adequate brain-donors out there and Igor has to pick me a televangelist!"

Things You Should Know About / The little electrical device they install behind your car dashboard to make that intermittent squeaking noise. / XJ-451, a teeth-seeking nerve-agent deliberately added to your icecream. / The meter your kids use to work out how far they can push you. / An original fragment of the computer code designed to adjust your expenditure to slightly more than your income. / The mobile micro-element used to impart patchy burn-zones in your toast. / One of many public opinion polls that are used to adjust public opinion.

"Well to be honest we weren't going to revive you. However the rest of your species is extinct and we are in desperate need of someone to throw us a stick."

"Have you seen that weedy little rat that we're using to test out the new growth hormone..?"

"For goodness sake man, snap out of it! We're NOT aliens from outer-space! We're PIXIES! Pixies from your GARDEN!! IS THAT SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND..?!?"

Discovery of Crime Waves

I don't know exactly what that thing is Virgil, but frankly I'm worried. .. / Thunderbirds meet their match

Amble, everyone! Amble for your lives! The great New Zealand carnivorous snail is coming!

Sorry folks. .. the tractor beam's broken. We'll have to use the tractor piece of rope.

EXFOLIATE! DEPILATE! MOISTURIZE! / Fortunately for Dave the Daleks were gay.

EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! / "I suppose we should be THANKFUL that they've found religion..?"

The Portuguese Balloon o' War

The next great step in carrot evolution

An experimental burger and fries has broken from containment! It's spontaneously upsized! / God help us al. .. / 1960s USA: the obesity epidemic is accidentally unleashed

[Bullet pointed] Z Z Z Z Z Z / The next step in executive efficiency - Microsoft PowerNap

"Okay nanobots - our primary mission is to clean out this guy's arteries. But while we're here I can't see any harm in also building him a nice pair of man-breasts. .."

As the little Aardvark waved goodbye to his new friends, he wondered why they had chosen him to represent the planet Earth, and whether they were satisfied with the simple heartfelt message he had delivered to the Galactic Congress on his world's behalf: / On Earth, we eat termites. We love termites. The best way you could help us develop would be to send us many more types of termites. / Ten thousand new species of termites safely delivered. You sure this Aardvark thing is the most advanced lifeform on the planet? / Yup. It's the first animal in their dictionary. Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first. ..

"Well maybe you wouldn't have attracted the attention of the Time Police, Joe, if you hadn't spent the last fifteen years of your life deliberately Capturing Precious Moments."

"I've already told you Zark, there is nobody in this museum right now. It has no nutritional value. All you're doing is filling up on empty galleries."

The black cat sat on the mat. ..In front of the fire / His perfect black surface was absorbing ALL the heat of the fire. .. / ALL the heat from the room. ..ALL the heat from the house. .. / Brrrrr!! Why's it so COLD in here..?!? / MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA. ..!!!

Millions of years ago, giant marshmallows ruled the earth. Having no skeletal system, they left no fossil-record. / Diabetic sugar-eating dinosaurs were their only predator. By igniting the acetone on their breath they could toast the marshmallows to death. These were our 'dragons' of legend. / They were too successful. Marshmallows are defenseless against fire and were eaten to near-extinction. With no food-source, the dragon population also plummeted. / It is thought that no dragons survived. Yet every now and then, while some hapless supermarket employee is out back unpacking a crate of marshmallows. ..

Millions of years ago, giant marshmallows ruled the earth. Having no skeletal system, they left no fossil-record. / Diabetic sugar-eating dinosaurs were their only predator. By igniting the acetone on their breath they could toast the marshmallows to death. These were our 'dragons' of legend. / They were too successful. Marshmallows are defenseless against fire and were eaten to near-extinction. With no food-source, the dragon population also plummeted. / It is thought that no dragons survived. Yet every now and then, while some hapless supermarket employee is out back unpacking a crate of marshmallows. ..

A boy in a not-quite parallel Universe left a ball of string sitting around. A dog started to gnaw at it, but then knocked it through a crack in the pavement and in to our solar system, where it was the size of a planet, and made of superstring..! / Astronomers saw it approaching and excitedly held press-conferences. People laughed and joked at first, but then grew fearful, because it looked as if the ball was on a collision course with Earth! / As it turned out, the ball passed very close to Earth but missed us. It passed right between us and the Moon. People laughed again and took photos as the ball moved off into the distance of space. .. / Unfortunately, a trailing strand snagged some outcrops on the Moon, and the thread started to unravel as the ball moved further away. As the moon orbited the earth, it began to wind us up with progressively more thread! / All the string in the stratosphere meant that sunsets were quite pretty at first, but soon our light was blocked out, and then the three inner planets all got tangled up with the sun, and we all died. / Which was a real pity, because the giant dog came after the ball, and he was really worth seeing. .. / Moral: be careful where you leave your string.

Nice try mister, but I'm just the Abominable Snowboy. Dad's behind you.

Human Evolution: Possible Futures / Number 1: Happy Fat People

Human Evolution: Possible Futures / Number 2: Smart but Unbearably Foetal

Early evidence for the existence of dogs

30 JUNE 1908 / Nicola Tesla during the time of the Siberian "Tunguska Event"

Couch, n. / Soft, squishy and voluminous organism whose unusual mode of reproduction involves locating itself near a television set and secreting a skin-absorbed retrovirus containing couch-genes. / Mammals repeatedly enticed to the 'couch' are gradually converted into new soft, squishy and voluminous organisms.

These days we worry about 'scientists playing God.' But in ancient Greece, they worried about Gods playing scientist. / They had reason to worry. Every Tuesday, the Gods would gather in their Mount Olympus laboratory and carry out scientific experiments on mortals. .. / Zeus liked to play around with genetic modifications to hair colour. Aphrodite specialized in adding pointless organs. Apollo found a way to turn at least one of these organs into a ticking time-bomb. / This is why the human race has gingas. This is why you were born with an appendix. / TICK TICK TICK TICK

. ..and the precise value of the Hubble Constant is critical to the question of whether our Universe will continue to expand forever, or.. . / POP!

"I've been sent home to lay low. If anyone asks, no one in my virology lab knows anything about a rampaging army of pangolin-bat hybrids."

The year that carrots achieved sentience was a bad year for vegans

"Go back to your seat Gavin. Even if zombie virus has escaped from our ant farm it will be at least a week before it seizes control of your basic motor functions."

It was after August but before September when Herbert left for outer space. Technically naive, he left without a spaceship. Always forgetful, he forgot about gravity.