"Come now, Mr Symes, I am a Master Chef. I'll admit the steaks are high. But then, so are the rewards"

"Son, it's time we told you. There are some people in this world who don't LIKE brussels sprouts. .."

"Okay - who put my lunch through the mass spectrometer..?"

"Okay - is there anybody ELSE whose homework ate their dog?"

Alternative Models of Mongrel Evolution. [ The sentient stomach model: Amoeba -(Several Steps)- Stomach entity -(One step)- Mobile stomach entity. The leaky plumbing model: Amoeba -(Several Steps)- Bladder entity -(One step)- Mobile bladder entity ]

Dreams of times past: a school of heavily-moustached gentlemen strain for krill in the warm coastal waters of the Bahamas.

Cambridge, 1953. Shortly before discovering the structure of DNA, Watson and Crick, depressed by their lack of progress, visit the local pub.

Starving philosophy student grappling with the question of the Toast in the Machine.

"Always been a bit of a barbecue rebel, haven't you Gavin..?"

It was on a short-cut through the hospital kitchens that Albert was first approached by a member of the Antibiotic Resistance.

Things You Should Know About / The little electrical device they install behind your car dashboard to make that intermittent squeaking noise. / XJ-451, a teeth-seeking nerve-agent deliberately added to your icecream. / The meter your kids use to work out how far they can push you. / An original fragment of the computer code designed to adjust your expenditure to slightly more than your income. / The mobile micro-element used to impart patchy burn-zones in your toast. / One of many public opinion polls that are used to adjust public opinion.

Potatoes are recorded as first being domesticated at about 8000-7000 B.C., in Peru. Before this time, potatoes had a reputation of being savage and unpredictable tubers. / Figure 1. An early Peruvian contemplates taming a band of wild potatoes. / Figure 2. The modern domestic potato.

A Great White Man Eating Shark

Nice tie! / Yeah - it really goes with your shirt. .. / Have you lost weight recently? / The drinks were expensive, but at least the nuts were complimentary.

Cheeses of Nazareth

Same greasy residue as the other victims.. . / Poor bastard's been seasoned to perfection.. . / Another case of Salt and Battery

Cirrhosis of the river

Forget the experts: domestication of the dog only took about 8 seconds.

The next great step in carrot evolution

Murmuring from the cheeses: calmly close the fridge door, quietly step sideways. / Dissent amidst the condiments: leave kitchen entirely; avoid eye-contact with pickles. / By the time the crackers open fire, it is ALWAYS too late. // BE FOOD AWARE. PROTECT YOURSLEF AGAINST SNACK-ATTACKS.

An experimental burger and fries has broken from containment! It's spontaneously upsized! / God help us al. .. / 1960s USA: the obesity epidemic is accidentally unleashed

Pie rats of the Caribbean

As the little Aardvark waved goodbye to his new friends, he wondered why they had chosen him to represent the planet Earth, and whether they were satisfied with the simple heartfelt message he had delivered to the Galactic Congress on his world's behalf: / On Earth, we eat termites. We love termites. The best way you could help us develop would be to send us many more types of termites. / Ten thousand new species of termites safely delivered. You sure this Aardvark thing is the most advanced lifeform on the planet? / Yup. It's the first animal in their dictionary. Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first. ..

[Father to son] Remember son - when life throws you a lemon, make lemonade. .. / [Fly] Where'd you get to son? / I'm by the lemon tree dad! / Kid - I learned this from the humans. "When life throws you a lemon - / SQUITCH!

"I've already told you Zark, there is nobody in this museum right now. It has no nutritional value. All you're doing is filling up on empty galleries."

Millions of years ago, giant marshmallows ruled the earth. Having no skeletal system, they left no fossil-record. / Diabetic sugar-eating dinosaurs were their only predator. By igniting the acetone on their breath they could toast the marshmallows to death. These were our 'dragons' of legend. / They were too successful. Marshmallows are defenseless against fire and were eaten to near-extinction. With no food-source, the dragon population also plummeted. / It is thought that no dragons survived. Yet every now and then, while some hapless supermarket employee is out back unpacking a crate of marshmallows. ..

Millions of years ago, giant marshmallows ruled the earth. Having no skeletal system, they left no fossil-record. / Diabetic sugar-eating dinosaurs were their only predator. By igniting the acetone on their breath they could toast the marshmallows to death. These were our 'dragons' of legend. / They were too successful. Marshmallows are defenseless against fire and were eaten to near-extinction. With no food-source, the dragon population also plummeted. / It is thought that no dragons survived. Yet every now and then, while some hapless supermarket employee is out back unpacking a crate of marshmallows. ..

Until Bob entered her life, Lisa never even knew the meaning of the phrase 'acute multiple drug-resistant infection by transgenic Staphylococcus aureus.' / Funny now to think back. .. Somehow all these little things change when you date a careless microbiologist. ..

Wait a minute - that's not a MISSILE..! It's a RISSOLE..! An Intercontinental Ballistic RISSOLE..! QUICK! PREPARE SOME GRAVY..! / The start of the world's first intercontinental food fight

Come on in. .. The fire's great! / The perennial summer problem of demons in the barbecue

Human Evolution: Possible Futures / Number 1: Happy Fat People

Corrupt coffee-company executive enticing impressionable youth

Actually, I'm a bit low on ammo today, so I'll just have a can of cola and a loaf of bread thanks. ..

Efficiency, personal / 1. Always have a good breakfast. 2. While making your breakfast, make your lunch as well. 3. While eating your breakfast, eat your lunch too. / This will leave your lunch break free for 'personal efficiency.'

. ..and the precise value of the Hubble Constant is critical to the question of whether our Universe will continue to expand forever, or.. . / POP!

And now we add a spring of tarragon to the pelletised deuterium fuel mix and 3, 2, 1 . .. / New experiments in fusion cooking

The year that carrots achieved sentience was a bad year for vegans