[McGuire and Co. Professional Cattle Rustlers] / Closed for Stocktaking

DON'T MOVE, or I'll fill you full of LEAD!!! / HAAA!! I happen to know that the lead in bullets is in the METALLIC form! This chemical form of lead has an intrinsically low bioavailability and toxicity!! / YES, but EARP et al (1886) have recently reported that the gunpowder-assisted acceleration of this form of lead to 1000 ft/sec substantially enhances its ability to penetrate biological membranes, effectively making it a whole lot MORE toxic!!! / I don't believe I've read that paper. .. // Environmental Scientists in the Wild West

"Son, it's time we told you. There are some people in this world who don't LIKE brussels sprouts. .."

If all children are natural-born scientists, society might be wise to at least quarantine the subset of these scientist-infants who are the atomic weapons specialists, before they kill us all with their crazy little lunchbox nukes.

The "Failsafe 3000" dead-certain 100-percent surefire lawyer trap.

[Carbon Dioxide Emission Control Authority] / ['SUPER-STICK' MASKING TAPE]

"So what if I'm a duck too..!? There's nothing in this permit that says that ducks can't hunt other ducks at this time of year..!"

Sunday afternoon in the library. The awkward silence that comes from not having had a weekend murder to accuse anybody of committing.

DON'T MOVE, or I'll fill you full of 98% lead, 1% antimony, 0.75% silver, 200 parts per million nickel, trace amounts of cobalt, and other components below their respective detection limits! / Wait a minute! Are those values CERTIFIED?! / Analytical Chemists in the Wild West

Yes I know I LOOK ugly, but I'm really a PRINCE! Kiss me and we'll live happily ever after..! / HEAR YE! HEAR YE! Local maiden dies horribly after being poisoned by skin-absorbed nerve-toxins..! Bizarre morphing amphibian-boy to hang for murder!

YOU HAVE JUST PISSED OFF A MAJOR WORLD SUPERPOWER.. . CONTINUE? Y/N

Discovery of Crime Waves

[TODAY'S HERETICS: MR AND MRS SMITH] / What annoys me the most about all this is that I used to ENJOY church barbecues. ..

Despite being a flatfish, Detective Holme was highly respected by the townsfolk. Indeed, many of them would routinely avow that in matters of personal security, there was no Plaice like Holme.

Terrierists

"Just before we discuss your eligibility for a refund, are you absolutely sure that you read all the fine-print..?"

Pie rats of the Caribbean

"Well maybe you wouldn't have attracted the attention of the Time Police, Joe, if you hadn't spent the last fifteen years of your life deliberately Capturing Precious Moments."

Mr Smith, the jury finds you guilty of breaking two Laws of the Land. It has also not escaped my own attention that you are also breaking at least one Law of Physics.

Okay!! I'll confess!! I can't take any more of this indeterministic postmodern rationalism!! I've never felt so completely LOST..!! / When the Good Cop - Bad Cop routine no longer gets results, you know who to call. Postmodern Crap Cop.

"Okay, I'll admit it. Your dog is VERY good at playing dead."

"Decoy ducks on the lake, scapegoats in the paddock, and red-herrings on the fishing line. If this is a cover-up, it's big.. ."

Security Bards

At last! An Ethics Committee that will listen to reason!

Actually, I'm a bit low on ammo today, so I'll just have a can of cola and a loaf of bread thanks. ..

Perhaps it is true that each of my clients is inherently 'wrong' by society's upright standards. .. Yet I intend to prove here today that there are times when two wrongs really DO make a right. ..