"You see Thag. .? Names CAN break your bones. Especially when those names are carved on ROCKS."

"Son, it's time we told you. There are some people in this world who don't LIKE brussels sprouts. .."

The guy on the line wonders if we stock the extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-large, and also whether it's harpoon-proof..?

[Carbon Dioxide Emission Control Authority] / ['SUPER-STICK' MASKING TAPE]

Things You Should Know About / The little electrical device they install behind your car dashboard to make that intermittent squeaking noise. / XJ-451, a teeth-seeking nerve-agent deliberately added to your icecream. / The meter your kids use to work out how far they can push you. / An original fragment of the computer code designed to adjust your expenditure to slightly more than your income. / The mobile micro-element used to impart patchy burn-zones in your toast. / One of many public opinion polls that are used to adjust public opinion.

YOU HAVE JUST PISSED OFF A MAJOR WORLD SUPERPOWER.. . CONTINUE? Y/N

[TODAY'S HERETICS: MR AND MRS SMITH] / What annoys me the most about all this is that I used to ENJOY church barbecues. ..

Once again, war breaks out in the middle yeast.

Meanwhile, at the end of the garden, the security situation had deteriorated. A breakaway group of radical pixies had started making enriched geranium.

65 MILLION YEARS AGO: Relax everyone, it's just an asteroid. Asteroids are natural. / 79 AD: Don't worry Pompeii, it's only a volcano! Volcanoes are perfectly natural..! / APRIL 14, 1912: Good news everybody - seems we hit an iceberg! We're sure lucky that icebergs are natural..! / TODAY: Droughts, floods, wild weather, rising sea levels, the whole climate change thing .. . all natural. / Experts through the ages

NOBEL PRIZE AWARDS / "Just a freak accident with some firefly DNA and suddenly the sun shines out of his arse!"

"We're really proud of Gavin. We think he might grow up to be a bureaucrat."

"We should be safe as long as we don't do any paperwork! They can smell paperwork!"

Corrupt coffee-company executive enticing impressionable youth

The Wrath of Her Majesty the Queen / Back from the dead to deal with Harry and Meghan