"Well hello there..!! We'd like to talk with you about the KINGDOM OF GOD.." / "damn." / FIRST CONTACT

"You see Thag. .? Names CAN break your bones. Especially when those names are carved on ROCKS."

DON'T MOVE, or I'll fill you full of LEAD!!! / HAAA!! I happen to know that the lead in bullets is in the METALLIC form! This chemical form of lead has an intrinsically low bioavailability and toxicity!! / YES, but EARP et al (1886) have recently reported that the gunpowder-assisted acceleration of this form of lead to 1000 ft/sec substantially enhances its ability to penetrate biological membranes, effectively making it a whole lot MORE toxic!!! / I don't believe I've read that paper. .. // Environmental Scientists in the Wild West

"Why YES! Yes I WOULD like to talk with you about the end of the world!"

OH HELL! I THINK HE'S PLANNING TO HUG ME..!! // Consider the trees. They have no legs to run with.

"Of course, it's still a complete mystery as to how the ancients even managed to MOVE these massive stones. .."

"That? No that's not a U.F.O. It's on the ground now. And you've identified it. That makes it an I.G.O."

(". ..and now if you could close the other 650 eyes and read the bottom line. ..") FLY HELL

"You'll have to forgive Sidney. The left and right hemispheres of his brain are currently engaged in a struggle for dominance."

[Carbon Dioxide Emission Control Authority] / ['SUPER-STICK' MASKING TAPE]

"Just ignore that one. It's totally unscientific."

DON'T MOVE, or I'll fill you full of 98% lead, 1% antimony, 0.75% silver, 200 parts per million nickel, trace amounts of cobalt, and other components below their respective detection limits! / Wait a minute! Are those values CERTIFIED?! / Analytical Chemists in the Wild West

"Hello Mr Preston? This is an ALIEN speaking. We have landed in your paddock. We have mutilated your cows. We have made loud crashing noises, and we have danced a can-can on your porch. Just what the hell is it on your TV that's so very special..?!?"

Scientists devise yet another way of delaying death.

Starving philosophy student grappling with the question of the Toast in the Machine.

I'm so depressed.. . / Nobody loves me .. . Everybody hates me .. . / Life! What's the point..? I've never felt so low.. . / I might as well not even exist .. . / An Unidentified Flying Abject

"The guy at the door wants to know if we've all been saved?"

Hmmmmm, wrong bottle. I guess THIS one must have been the Elixir of DEATH. ..

"All those perfectly adequate brain-donors out there and Igor has to pick me a televangelist!"

Things You Should Know About / The little electrical device they install behind your car dashboard to make that intermittent squeaking noise. / XJ-451, a teeth-seeking nerve-agent deliberately added to your icecream. / The meter your kids use to work out how far they can push you. / An original fragment of the computer code designed to adjust your expenditure to slightly more than your income. / The mobile micro-element used to impart patchy burn-zones in your toast. / One of many public opinion polls that are used to adjust public opinion.

"Yes I can give you liposuction and a face-lift, Mrs Gribbs, but I must warn you that it won't change the fact that basically way down deep and underneath it all you're really a duck."

"Well to be honest we weren't going to revive you. However the rest of your species is extinct and we are in desperate need of someone to throw us a stick."

"For goodness sake man, snap out of it! We're NOT aliens from outer-space! We're PIXIES! Pixies from your GARDEN!! IS THAT SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND..?!?"

[TODAY'S HERETICS: MR AND MRS SMITH] / What annoys me the most about all this is that I used to ENJOY church barbecues. ..

"I'm having second thoughts about the health benefits of acupuncture. .."

Cheeses of Nazareth

Muslin Fundamentalists

I can see you pumping petrol. .. / Fair enough / An elf fuel-filling prophecy

Larry will be sorely missed in the fishtank, but we console ourselves that he is going to a batter place. .. / FLUSSHHHH

"Just before we discuss your eligibility for a refund, are you absolutely sure that you read all the fine-print..?"

Instantly look 30 years younger!! Phone today..!! / [30 YEARS YOUNGER KIT] / INSERT IN MOUTH / PLACE ON HEAD

"Okay nanobots - our primary mission is to clean out this guy's arteries. But while we're here I can't see any harm in also building him a nice pair of man-breasts. .."

"In this laboratory we're always pushing the envelope to the Max."

[BOOK: JUST DO YOUR FRICKING JOB] / Hmmm . . . . This new management fad is crazy enough that it JUST MIGHT WORK . . .

Mr Smith, the jury finds you guilty of breaking two Laws of the Land. It has also not escaped my own attention that you are also breaking at least one Law of Physics.

Okay!! I'll confess!! I can't take any more of this indeterministic postmodern rationalism!! I've never felt so completely LOST..!! / When the Good Cop - Bad Cop routine no longer gets results, you know who to call. Postmodern Crap Cop.

65 MILLION YEARS AGO: Relax everyone, it's just an asteroid. Asteroids are natural. / 79 AD: Don't worry Pompeii, it's only a volcano! Volcanoes are perfectly natural..! / APRIL 14, 1912: Good news everybody - seems we hit an iceberg! We're sure lucky that icebergs are natural..! / TODAY: Droughts, floods, wild weather, rising sea levels, the whole climate change thing .. . all natural. / Experts through the ages

"Decoy ducks on the lake, scapegoats in the paddock, and red-herrings on the fishing line. If this is a cover-up, it's big.. ."

At last! An Ethics Committee that will listen to reason!

Nice try mister, but I'm just the Abominable Snowboy. Dad's behind you.

Human Evolution: Possible Futures / Number 2: Smart but Unbearably Foetal

Genes coding for that part of the brain responsible for generating novel new ideas / Genes coding for that part of the brain responsible for mental block / A slowly expanding region of genetic code that is ultimately responsible for the blush response / Genes which support the behavioral response "Yes, maybe I should." / "On second thoughts, maybe I shouldn't" genes / A tiny group of genes which govern the production of really smart retorts for use in arguments that finished some time ago / Specialized regions in a couple of human chromosomes

"You thought they were free, didn't you Jimmy..? Well, NOTHING in this Universe is really free, Jimmy, NOTHING. We want payment for the steak-knives. .."

30 JUNE 1908 / Nicola Tesla during the time of the Siberian "Tunguska Event"

Efficiency, personal / 1. Always have a good breakfast. 2. While making your breakfast, make your lunch as well. 3. While eating your breakfast, eat your lunch too. / This will leave your lunch break free for 'personal efficiency.'

These days we worry about 'scientists playing God.' But in ancient Greece, they worried about Gods playing scientist. / They had reason to worry. Every Tuesday, the Gods would gather in their Mount Olympus laboratory and carry out scientific experiments on mortals. .. / Zeus liked to play around with genetic modifications to hair colour. Aphrodite specialized in adding pointless organs. Apollo found a way to turn at least one of these organs into a ticking time-bomb. / This is why the human race has gingas. This is why you were born with an appendix. / TICK TICK TICK TICK