It appears to be some sort of primitive tractor beam, Captain...

Sunday afternoon in the library. The awkward silence that comes from not having had a weekend murder to accuse anybody of committing.

Large and hitherto uncatalogued lifeform on the windscreen, Jim. . .

"All those perfectly adequate brain-donors out there and Igor has to pick me a televangelist!"

Vader is seduced by the stark bride of the Norse.

I don't know exactly what that thing is Virgil, but frankly I'm worried. .. / Thunderbirds meet their match

EXFOLIATE! DEPILATE! MOISTURIZE! / Fortunately for Dave the Daleks were gay.

EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! EXCOMMUNICATE! / "I suppose we should be THANKFUL that they've found religion..?"

Pie rats of the Caribbean

"So - it seems that ancient hunter-gatherers hated the Barney creature almost as much as we modern humans detest him today. .."

Okay!! I'll confess!! I can't take any more of this indeterministic postmodern rationalism!! I've never felt so completely LOST..!! / When the Good Cop - Bad Cop routine no longer gets results, you know who to call. Postmodern Crap Cop.

"Such a pity you couldn't find your way through the maze to deactivate my doomsday rocket, Mr Bond. Perhaps now you'll admit that you're not as clever as a well-trained lab rat."

65 MILLION YEARS AGO: Relax everyone, it's just an asteroid. Asteroids are natural. / 79 AD: Don't worry Pompeii, it's only a volcano! Volcanoes are perfectly natural..! / APRIL 14, 1912: Good news everybody - seems we hit an iceberg! We're sure lucky that icebergs are natural..! / TODAY: Droughts, floods, wild weather, rising sea levels, the whole climate change thing .. . all natural. / Experts through the ages

"Decoy ducks on the lake, scapegoats in the paddock, and red-herrings on the fishing line. If this is a cover-up, it's big.. ."

Couch, n. / Soft, squishy and voluminous organism whose unusual mode of reproduction involves locating itself near a television set and secreting a skin-absorbed retrovirus containing couch-genes. / Mammals repeatedly enticed to the 'couch' are gradually converted into new soft, squishy and voluminous organisms.