"Come now, Mr Symes, I am a Master Chef. I'll admit the steaks are high. But then, so are the rewards"

The Humpback of Notre Dame

After you.. No, after you.. / Please - Be my guest.. / Thank you, gracious host. You're too kind.. // Deferential equations

[McGuire and Co. Professional Cattle Rustlers] / Closed for Stocktaking

You can't go to the afterlife looking like THAT! / First up, you need a shave. .. / Now let's tidy that hair up a bit. .. / And for pity sake, put on a shirt and tie..! / There! That's MUCH more presentable! / SWISSH!! // The Prim Reaper

"Son, it's time we told you. There are some people in this world who don't LIKE brussels sprouts. .."

Despite the heavy flak, McAlister's aim was true, and his carefully measured aliquot of hydrochloric acid found its mark deep in the enemy's reservoir of sodium hydroxide. / McAlister grinned wryly: finally, one of the enemy's strongest bases had been completely neutralized.

(NO!) / (NO!) / (FOR GOD'S SAKE NO!) / (That's it! Nuclear-tipped megadeath for you!!) // You don't knead a Rocket Scientist.

"Okay - is there anybody ELSE whose homework ate their dog?"

"That? No that's not a U.F.O. It's on the ground now. And you've identified it. That makes it an I.G.O."

Dirk gasped in surprise. Aliens had landed in his paddock before, but never before in such numbers.

Bonfire of the Vanities

We are a committee of clocks, you idiot. What do you mean you forgot to record the minutes..?

It appears to be some sort of primitive tractor beam, Captain...

The Colinisation of Space

The Colinization of Space

The Sole of Discretion

As touch, taste, sight, smell and hearing boarded the charter flight for Havana, Professor Nicholson knew in his heart that he had lost more than just good friends. In fact, he had finally lost his senses.

Cambridge, 1953. Shortly before discovering the structure of DNA, Watson and Crick, depressed by their lack of progress, visit the local pub.

Starving philosophy student grappling with the question of the Toast in the Machine.

I think I can truly say that in this book we have all the elements of a first-class thriller. .. / Chemists as book-reviewers

It's so UNFAIR..!! Why do people always take out the GOOD books..?!?

It was on a short-cut through the hospital kitchens that Albert was first approached by a member of the Antibiotic Resistance.

NEIL / ERIC / KEVIN / GARY / The Four Hearsemen with the Alpaca Lips

I'm so depressed.. . / Nobody loves me .. . Everybody hates me .. . / Life! What's the point..? I've never felt so low.. . / I might as well not even exist .. . / An Unidentified Flying Abject

Don't look at ME like that..! It's not MY fault..!

Too bad Desmond never learned to recognize the early warning signs of a heart attack.

"The guy at the door wants to know if we've all been saved?"

Physics at the farm: discovery of the muon.

"Wow what a scoop!! Humpty Dumpty sleeping with a Farmyard Fowl..!! Okay now, who came first? The chicken or the egg..??"

That day at work, Jack and Eileen exchanged harsh words.

Discovery of Crime Waves

Vader is seduced by the stark bride of the Norse.

A Great White Man Eating Shark

Chapter 3. Andrew's scheme backfires

Once again, war breaks out in the middle yeast.

Nice tie! / Yeah - it really goes with your shirt. .. / Have you lost weight recently? / The drinks were expensive, but at least the nuts were complimentary.

Cheeses of Nazareth

"I'd like to open a spank account."

Muslin Fundamentalists

Despite being a flatfish, Detective Holme was highly respected by the townsfolk. Indeed, many of them would routinely avow that in matters of personal security, there was no Plaice like Holme.

Same greasy residue as the other victims.. . / Poor bastard's been seasoned to perfection.. . / Another case of Salt and Battery

Photocopiers jamming

Cirrhosis of the river

The Second World Wart

Terrierists

I can see you pumping petrol. .. / Fair enough / An elf fuel-filling prophecy

If a tree fell in the woods, and you were underneath it, would anyone hear me complaining..? / The sound of one hand clapping - it is NOT clapping for you. .. / YOU are less than a tick crawling in the sweaty underarm of Cosmic oneness. .. / Well YOU are less than a tick on the enormous clock of Cosmic timelessness. .. / Zenemies

Murmuring from the cheeses: calmly close the fridge door, quietly step sideways. / Dissent amidst the condiments: leave kitchen entirely; avoid eye-contact with pickles. / By the time the crackers open fire, it is ALWAYS too late. // BE FOOD AWARE. PROTECT YOURSLEF AGAINST SNACK-ATTACKS.

The radiocarbon dating technique

A combination of enthusiasm with lack of experience meant that Steve was always leaping to contusions.

Time flies when you're having fun

Uh oh .. . Thag's after our women again. .. What's the bet he's brought more flowers..? / However, flowers weren't getting Thag anywhere. This time he came with a concealed firearm.

The London School of Infectious Diseases Isolation Chamber Orchestra

An experimental burger and fries has broken from containment! It's spontaneously upsized! / God help us al. .. / 1960s USA: the obesity epidemic is accidentally unleashed

Well - there's the party food, and there are the drinks - but where is everybody else..? / Early life-forms

Pie rats of the Caribbean

"You have broke my wittle heart," sobbed Penelope, evidently still unaware of her appalling grammatical faults.

"In this laboratory we're always pushing the envelope to the Max."

WU-HOO! NO MORE LIVING IN A DAMP CAVE! / Early house hunting

All I'm saying is that we need to be a bit more careful with our money / No problem honey / Lately we've been spending more than we've been earning / [BUFF POLISH ] With you all the way baby / We need to keep an eye on the little things / [COLLAGEN] Couldn't agree more / Are you sure that you're not just paying lip service honey? / SHHH. ..

"Well maybe you wouldn't have attracted the attention of the Time Police, Joe, if you hadn't spent the last fifteen years of your life deliberately Capturing Precious Moments."

Meanwhile, at the end of the garden, the security situation had deteriorated. A breakaway group of radical pixies had started making enriched geranium.

"For such a small dog he's got an incredibly loud barque."

"I've already told you Zark, there is nobody in this museum right now. It has no nutritional value. All you're doing is filling up on empty galleries."

Security Bards

NOBEL PRIZE AWARDS / "Just a freak accident with some firefly DNA and suddenly the sun shines out of his arse!"

Sign: WET PAINT AHEAD. MINED WHERE YOU STEP / The idiots can't spell / KATHOOM!

Pius-131 / John Paul-192 / Benedict-238 / Gregory-239 (Soon after holding a Critical Mass) / Radioactive Isopopes

It was a magical sugar-filled childhood on the island. Every day Timmy would grab his trusty spoon and go out hunting Meringue-Outangs.

Three moths on a stationary Pinto / Four moths on a wandering Appaloosa / Five moths on a standing Palamino / Complete absence of moths on a strolling Roan / A strolling roan gathers no moths

GOING WELL . .. / STEADY. .. / I CAN'T HOLD IT! I CAN'T HOLD IT! / AAAARRGGHHH!!! / AND A FLAWLESS RECOVERY. .. / Jenny has a mid-lithe crisis

Stow this crate of fundamental forces in the hold, fasten the lifeboats, secure the deck, and hoist the sails. .. / A Higgs Bosun

I'm hit! I'm hit! I've lost an electron!! / Are you sure?? / I'm positive!! / Another casualty in the War of the Atoms

Wait a minute - that's not a MISSILE..! It's a RISSOLE..! An Intercontinental Ballistic RISSOLE..! QUICK! PREPARE SOME GRAVY..! / The start of the world's first intercontinental food fight

Anarchy / Monarchy

"I'm confused. Is this character assassination, or capital punishment..?"

Meanwhile, at the Home for Old Atoms. .. / "When I was young I was an atom of uranium-238. I felt so alive, so dangerous! Then one day I accidentally ejected an alpha particle. Now look at me - a spent old atom of lead-206. All my life since then has been nothing but decay, decay, decay. .."

Welcome to "Noman" / POPULATION: 1 / Noman is an island

We understand from the neighbours that you've been allowing your young boy to smoke..?

You guys could use a break. Here, I'll hold the scalpel while you get some coffee. / Everyone, even the hospital surgeons, would tell you that Gary had a generous heart.

You the guy who just made a seven-coordinate compound of chromium III..? Well we've got a MESSAGE for ya / Chromium III doesn't LIKE being seven-coordinate. .. / Late that night, Professor Robinson's laboratory was overrun by hostile elements.

Well I'm no great virtuoso, but I DO like to tickle the ivories every now and then. ..

Perhaps it is true that each of my clients is inherently 'wrong' by society's upright standards. .. Yet I intend to prove here today that there are times when two wrongs really DO make a right. ..

A LONER / UNCONVENTIONAL / A MAVERICK / GIVEN TO EXCESSES WELL BEYOND YOUR STANDARD DEVIATION / Smug git! / Yeeee haaaa! / Pistol Pete - the West's most notorious Outlier

"I said, 'BAD NEWS, I'M AFRAID - YOU'VE GOT LONG COVID..!'"

It was after August but before September when Herbert left for outer space. Technically naive, he left without a spaceship. Always forgetful, he forgot about gravity.